HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 cop­ies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.“
3. Spe­cify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.“
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occa­sion­ally with your pen while talk­ing to oth­ers.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup pack­ets.
6. Insist on keep­ing your car wind­shield wipers run­ning in all weather con­di­tions “to keep them tuned up.“
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.“
8. Prac­tice mak­ing fax and modem noises.
9. High­light irrel­ev­ant inform­a­tion in sci­entific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beep­ing noises when a large per­son backs up.
11. Fin­ish all your sen­tences with the words “in accord­ance with proph­esy.“
12. Sig­nal that a con­ver­sa­tion is over by clamp­ing your hands over your ears and grim­acing.
13. Dis­as­semble your pen and “acci­dent­ally” flip the ink cart­ridge across the room.
14. Holler ran­dom num­bers while someone is count­ing.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to oth­ers that you “like it that way.“
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Pub­licly invest­ig­ate just how slowly you can make a croak­ing noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a res­taur­ant, and simply eat their com­pli­ment­ary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lower­case.
22. dont use any punc­tu­ation either
23. Buy a large quant­ity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the fol­low­ing con­ver­sa­tion a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?“
“What?“
“Never mind, it’s gone now.“
25. As much as pos­sible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try play­ing the Wil­liam Tell Over­ture by tap­ping on the bot­tom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While mak­ing present­a­tions, occa­sion­ally bob your head like a para­keet.
29. Sit in your front yard point­ing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mys­ter­i­ous ques­tions and then scribble their answers in a note­book. Mut­ter some­thing about “psy­cho­lo­gical profiles.”